“What’s your line
Tell me why you wear your cross of gold
State of mind
Or does it find a way into your soul.”
Michael W. Smith – “Cross of Gold”
I have a cross…not of gold but of silver. Sometimes I sense it talking to me. Telling me seemingly factual or mundane things. Details that I take for granted but when it speaks it comes alive.
“I live on a silver chain around your neck. My ‘loop’ is part of me not like most crosses, of gold or silver, where the ‘loop’ is an add on. It allows me to hang loose, slightly askew, go with the flow. Gives me a cheerful almost impish look. I severely dislike the uptight look. I’m not perfect. My ends are slanted and at slightly different angles. There’s nothing ‘dainty’ about me. I’m broader than most and slightly bowed giving me a kind of mature feeling. I glow! Although I do have one corner that’s tarnished and black.”
I looked down, expecting it to smile or wink but instead I sensed it asking,
“Why do you wear me?”
The question surprised me. I was quick to answer,
“I wear you because…”
Not having a ready answer was embarrassing but took me on a journey of soul searching.
It was a gift. A gift from my husband on February 23, 1997. One year free from drugs. What a celebration!
“A virtuous reason,” I thought.
It almost seemed to mock me,
“Is that all I mean to you, an accomplishment?”
Accomplishments come and go and some are soon forgotten, I reflected.
“It must mean more than that. Maybe it’s more of a reminder of where I came from?”
Then I remembered a seemingly insignificant event. I have a son, Andrew James. He died the same day he was born. I was angry, resentful and full of grief. Instead of working through it I pushed my feelings down deep inside and with it the date of his birth. Once in a while I would think,
“what a horrible mother, I can’t even remember his birthday?”
I would beat myself up at little and push it back down. A few months after I came home from an intensive six weeks in a treatment center I found a newspaper clipping.
“Birth announcement. Andrew James born and died February 23.”
I wept with joy and thanked God for his amazing gift of love and forgiveness. What a celebration!
I looked my cross in the eye,
“this is why I wear you.” I announced, “To celebrate Gods grace and mercy, to remember the reality of Gods unconditional love. To share the hope.”
Why do I wear my cross…not of gold but of silver?
It finds a way into my soul.
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